Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
