i just sent this text using only my big toe
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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