What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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