she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
