I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Two words: nipple clamps
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