I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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