if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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