you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
