Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
