You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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