Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
