I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
