Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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