I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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