i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
