I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
