eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
