Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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