yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Randomize
