No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
