youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
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Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
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He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.