his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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