a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
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The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
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Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux