I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
