accomplished twins. life is a go
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
why do cheetos always look like penises
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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