I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
