My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
