Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
