I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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