my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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