why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
