I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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