Moan for me like Helen Keller
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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