i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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