Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I need water and some morals
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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