Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
