I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
