i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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