I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
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No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
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The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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