I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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