He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
you made out with another girl for some wings
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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