finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
