So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
