So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
