i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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