So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
