at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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