I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm jealous of your bromance
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
