Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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