I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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