I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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