alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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