We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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