you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
