Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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