Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Randomize
