Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
