I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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