Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
