She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
