he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
They have beer where we have blood.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
