1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
